Style Invitational Week 1496: comparison/contrast, conservative humor

The difference between being back in the office and the recurring exam dream: In the office, it’s much easier to fall back to sleep.

A flushable wipe is like the LIV golf tour: clog your nose as much as you want, but you can’t get rid of the residue and the stench.

The recurring exam dream
Borscht
A terrible SNL skit
Cat hair
A magnetometer
8% inflation
A disposable wipe
A romance novel
be back in the office
Elon Musk
Six Supreme Court Justices
A hypersonic missile
Old Bay
A worn toothbrush
A second prize for the Style Invitational
A forbidden book
A period tracking app
The LIV Golf Course

The Invitational Style is, of course, incomparable, but we are sure that the above elements are not. This is one of our most enduring contests: Tell us with humor how two (or more) items from the list above are similar or different, as in the examples above; the items were chosen willy-nilly from hundreds of suggestions the Empress solicited from the Style Invited Devotees group on Facebook. Submit up to 25 entries to wapo.st/enter-invite-1496 (no capitals in the web address). There’s no special formatting this week, except for the usual request not to separate an individual entry with a newline (i.e., don’t press Enter in a single hall). This way I can mix up all the entries and not know how many I choose from one person. The deadline is Monday, July 18; results appear August 7 in print, August 4 online.

The winner takes the clown making, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brand new set of 20 assorted coins face coaster, which are cute absorbing squares that each have (a) a picture of someone else’s mouth in one expression or another; and (b) a place cut out so you can hang it over your nose, over your personal yelp. Donated by loser Steve Smith.

Other finalists earn their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour High End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our coveted Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare”. First-time offenders are only given a smelly tree-shaped “air freshener” (stinky tree for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The track “Do Wit Right” is by Chris Doyle; Both Chris and Jon Gearhart submitted the honorable mentions subtitle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The conversational style: The Empress’ weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published at the end of the day on Thursday July 7, on wapo.st/conv1496.

Be Mindful: Conservative Humor of the Week 1492

During the week of 1492, in response to a challenge from a skeptical reader, The Empress has asked for conservative humor – the first time we’ve run such a competition since 2004. Regular readers of The Style Invitational know that Invite political humor tends to sting firmly with the left, although since the administration change in 2017, we have… no, the loser community still has it for the GOP every week.

So could they turn the tide? By “conservative” the E did not mean racist, hateful, truth denying, or stupid (although she did have such “jokes” among the over 700 entries; sample of one with a manifestly false premise: “What do you call two members of the Squad? Half a brain”). Instead, the following Q&As and knock-knock jokes aren’t any cheaper than the ones we regularly zing on the other side.

Q. What is the main problem with the Democratic Party? A. His left hand doesn’t know what his far left is doing. (Steve Honley, Washington)

Q. What is the difference between Trump and Biden? A. Joe succeeds in bringing us together — soon no one will approve of what he is doing. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, CA)

and the boxing-Trump pen:

Q. What do Democrats call a bunch of losers? A. “Persons temporarily suffering defeat.” (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Maryland)

And the winner of the clownish achievement:

Q. How do you recognize a Liberal wearing cowboy boots? A. He is holding a bag of treats. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Maryland)

Lefty Losey: Honorable Mentions

How does a liberal clean his gun? It empties the water. (Leif Picoult)

How can you tell a liberal customer at Starbucks? They ask for a cappuccinx. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

How do you know when your school’s PTA is too liberal? There are signs saying ‘Defund Crossing Guards’. (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, PA)

How is Senator Cory Booker like an Upton’s Finest? They are both vegan hot dogs. (Frank Osen)

How does a liberal prove she’s not racist? By calling someone other a racist. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Maryland)

Knock Knock. Who is here? Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King who? You don’t know who Martin Luther King is? You are cancelled! (Frank Mann, Washington)

What is the difference between a conservative and a liberal? A curator says “NASCAR!” A liberal says “Nasty cars!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Maryland)

Why do liberals love toothy British smiles? No one expects them to be straight and white. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Why not call leftists “fragile”? Because it can trigger them. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Virginia)

Why were the liberal’s shoes too tight? He was trying to reduce his carbon footprint. (Karen Lambert)

How do Dianne Feinstein and Patrick Leahy try to convince their Senate colleagues? “As a participant in the original Constitutional Convention, I can assure you…” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Virginia)

What would you call Senator Dianne Feinstein dating Senator Bernie Sanders? Steal the cradle. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Virginia)

What is the difference between Biden and Trump? Trump knows better than to ride a bike. (Frank Osen)

What is the only branch of the military that a leftist would want to join? The American Space Force. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Texas)

Have you heard of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer’s idea for getting young people to vote? They will send everyone voice messages encouraging kids to send letters while they listen to the radio and wait for Joe Biden’s train visit. (Duncan Stevens)

A.Biden. Q. What is the only Hunter that the left does not pursue? (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.)

How do you know the California miners on the 49er were liberals? They used the appropriate pronouns referring to “the gold in them/their hills”. (Bill Cromwell, Keswick, Virginia)

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t we need a permit for that? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

What one-piece clothes do liberal dancers wear in rehearsal? Leo-special-needs. (Kevin Dopart)

What is the difference between conservatives and liberals? The Conservatives want to eliminate taxes; the liberals want to eliminate Texas. (Karen Lambert)

Where do the new rich liberals live? In McPersons. (Kevin Dopart)

How can you tell someone from Texas is a liberal? Because they are of Texas. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Virginia)

Why did the liberal refuse to go to the Amnesty International gala? She didn’t want to be seen carrying the same New Yorker tote bag as someone else. (Karen Lambert)

What did the liberal restaurateur do when his dishwasher was broken? I hired an immigration lawyer. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, NY)

What do you call a liberal at the shooting range? A journalist. (Chris Doyle)

What’s the difference between a gallstone and a Biden initiative? The journey of a gallstone is also excruciatingly painful, but it eventually passes. (Frank Osen)

What’s the difference between Republicans and Washington commanders? DC only has about 50 of each, but at least the Republicans are working toward a solid defense. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Virginia)

How liberal is he? He’s so liberal that he got a notarized consent form before playing with himself. (Bird warning)

Q. Hey, longtime Washington Post reader, did you hear the one on Hunter Biden’s laptop? A. Who is Hunter Biden? (Tom Witt)

Finally: What is the price of a liberal’s soul? A fridge magnet, apparently. (Marty Gold, Arlington)

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